The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
