Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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