Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
