somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
You ruined the universe
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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