They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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