the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
