you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
i am craving dick and cupcakes
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
