dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
