My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Randomize
