The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Randomize
