I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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