drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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