listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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