This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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