i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
