You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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