If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
