what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
