i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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