Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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