he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
