I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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