its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
