The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
