I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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