i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
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He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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