i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
