did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
