you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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