I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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