Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
