I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
