not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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