my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
