your room smells of hookers.
And success
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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