Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Is Oprah even human
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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