I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
