I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
