I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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