I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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