Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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