I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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