Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize