I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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