did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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