Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
