I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Randomize
