There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
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Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
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you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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