i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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