I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
