I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Randomize
