he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
