He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I AM VODKA MAN
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
