If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
